I’m going to be selfish, and I’m going to change.

I’ve been sitting here trying to decide if there was anything else that I wanted to type up from my past.  I’m not really sure that I want to.  It amazes me how odd some of this stuff reads.  Of course, it’s an adolescent mind that wrote it.  That might be what is throwing it all off for me.  But…  but then I find something that is a horrible read and still makes some decent points, and I wonder where I went wrong.  What point in my life did I decide that I no longer what to change who I was?  Rather, when did I lose the desire to become who I was meant to be?

That’s the question, isn’t it?  Who am I meant to be?  Hell, who am I?  I’m a father and business owner.  Who else?  What else?  What is it that I really want to do?

I’ve changed quite a bit about my thinking and even my lifestyle recently.  They might seem like simple changes, but they’ve done wonders for me.  It’s odd that I hadn’t made these changes so much earlier in life.

So, I’ve stopped drinking sodas.  Completely now.  I had a few Sprite Zeroes, but those are now gone.  I now start my day with a cup of coffee and then only drink water for the rest of the day.  I’m eating less than I was before.  Smaller dinners is a great place to start, as is reducing the amount of snacking that I do throughout the day.  THAT is the hard part when there are days where business is such that I’m unable to eat anything for lunch.  My next step is going to be to eat healthier.  Yes, that means more vegetables.

I’m going to bed much earlier than I used to and even waking up earlier.  That has taken more adjustment than I thought it would.  I’ve spent so long staying up late and then fighting my alarm that I’m conditioned to stay awake longer than I should.  It’s amazing to me that I’m now having a hard time staying up past about 11:00 PM on a Saturday night.

Gaming… well, that’s taken a back seat to everything else.  It’s something that I really should have done a long time ago, but I always thought of it as an escape.  Escape from what?  I don’t know.  That’s something that I’ve thought about, but I’m not sure that I wish to share that publicly.  I’m sure that you’ll understand.  Anyway, I seem to only play a game on my phone a little bit during the day.  My Xbox One X?  It’s just sitting there on my entertainment center collecting dust.  I’ll use it to watch a movie sometime I suppose.  Maybe.  Everything can be streamed anymore, and my Fire TV works great.

The biggest changes that I’m working on are my own thoughts.  I’ve seen myself as subpar, if you will, for most of my life.  Not good enough.  I’m working on not believing that anymore.  It’s not easy when it’s been a normal part of your life for as long as you can remember.  Even now the thought comes across my mind that I’m not good enough for someone; that this person could find someone so much better than me who is better suited for them.  Even as that thought appears, however, I want to squash it like those damn tiny ants that keep showing up in my kitchen even though it’s clean in there.  I don’t want to believe that.  I want to believe that I can and will do everything that I can in order to prove to myself that I am good enough.

My mindset has needed a change for a long time, but it’s not going to happen overnight.  I may always have doubts about myself.  I may always have doubts about what I’m capable of doing.  The difference now is that it doesn’t matter.  I want to try.  I want to learn new things, or learn old things again.  I once started to teach myself how to program in C++.  I’m thinking about doing that again.  Why?  Because I can.  That’s why.  I should probably work on HTML, CSS, JavaScript, etc.  That would help me more with this blog stuff if I really intend on continuing on with it.

Tangent.  Sorry.  No, I’m not sorry.  That’s how my mind will work at times.  I will continuously think on one subject and then get so totally sidetracked that I end up thinking about something so very different.  It happens.  I’ve learned to deal with it.  I just keep on going.

Anyway, the ramblings of a tired mind, and I am tired.  It was a long and busy day at work.  There is more that I wanted to write about, but I can’t seem to dig it out at the moment.  It will probably pop into my mind in the middle of the night, and then I’ll lose it before I wake up again.

Oh!  Opposites!  That was something.  We always seem to gravitate towards those who are like us; those who believe in the same things that we do and like everything that we do.  Maybe that’s not the best way to go about our lives.  Perhaps we need someone in our lives that is not so much like ourselves.  That’s what I’ve been thinking on a lot in the past few months.  I believe now that I want someone who will push me.  I believe that I want someone in my life who will…  oh hell.  Have you ever watched As Good as it Gets?  It’s a movie starring Jack Nicholson and Helen Hunt that came out in 1997.  There is a singular line in it that is one of my favorite quotes from any movie that I will never forget.  Jack and Helen are at a table and I believe that she tells him to say something nice (he’s a crotchety old man).  He simply says “You make me want to be a better man.”

Let me say that again.

“You make me want to be a better man.”

That’s what I want.  Someone who is not like me.  Someone who will push me to improve myself.  Someone who will inspire me to change my habits.  Someone who will convince me that I can do it.

I want to get back to writing.  I want to be happy with my writing.  I once had a dream of being a published author.  It’s one thing that I’ve always enjoyed doing.  The last several years have been fill with what I’ve called writer’s block.  That’s not entirely true I think.  I think that I just convinced myself that I wasn’t good at it so I quit.  I admit that I do think that a lot of what I wrote as a teenager is not really that good, but it was written by a mind that was much younger.  It was written by a boy who hadn’t really experienced much of life at the time.

It’s time for that to change, I think.  There is something else that I want.  I said that I was being selfish.  I’m not sure that I started typing this up that way, however.  Tangent, again.  Sorry, not sorry.

I want to LIVE. And I want to share that with someone.  It won’t be easy, but I’m going to do my damned best to do it.

Oh, yeah.  I almost didn’t share this at all.  But, that’s also one of my changes.  If I type it up, I’m going to share it even if it makes no sense at all.  Even if it offends someone.  Even if it makes someone uncomfortable.  Even if it’s me exposing a part of my heart.  It will be share if it is typed.  I’ll end this now with a fond “Good night!”  And also…

So let it be written, so let it be done!

One Reply to “I’m going to be selfish, and I’m going to change.”

Have something to say? Share with the class!