I find my lack of faith…

…disturbing?

Stealing a tiny quote from Darth Vader and changing it up a little.  Perhaps disturbing is too strong of a word, however, but it’s something that has had me thinking in recent months.  I’ve honestly avoided the topic of faith and religion because it can be such a controversial topic.  Everyone has their own opinions on it.  There is another reason, however.I’ve always feared that my family learning of my lack of belief, my atheism, would alienate myself from them.  That is, perhaps, a fear that was blown way out of proportion in my mind, but it’s always been there.  I’ve honestly never believed in God.  It’s almost rather surprising considering the area that I grew up in.  The fact that I did attend Vacation Bible School on occasion, and I did attend Sunday School at times.  But…  my belief never manifested itself.

I’ve read the Bible from cover to cover once and then the New Testament a second time within the last five years or so.  Still, I’ve never quite believed.

I’ve called myself an Atheist for as long as I can remember, though the last year or so has presented me with a slightly different viewpoint.

You see, I’ve recently thought that perhaps there is something out there; some omniscient and omnipotent being.  I’ve just had a hard time relating that to the sheer size of the universe.  In mind the universe is far too large for there to be only one God that oversees all of it.  Lately I’ve wondered if perhaps I’ve looked at it the wrong way.  Perhaps God is far too large to be contained within our universe.

The thing is that I just don’t know.  I’ve sought spiritualism.  Late last year I started to read and study on the Wiccan religion.  There were aspects that I just couldn’t fit my thoughts around, yet there were some parts that just made sense to me.  “Do what you will an it harm none” is what comes to mind first.  What does that mean?  Do whatever it is that you want as long as you do not hurt anyone else, yourself, or the environment.  Doesn’t that sound like it has the ring of truth to it?  Isn’t that something that we should all perhaps strive for?

History has often spoken of civilizations that worshipped pantheons of Gods and Goddesses.  Were they wrong?  Greeks, Romans, Rose, Aztec, Hindu, Celtic, China, Japan, Babylonian, and Egyptians to name a few.  Is anyone right in all of that?  In all the history of the world?  I don’t know.

One reason that I’ve avoided organized religion is the hypocrisy that can be seen in it.  It seems as if too often people swear that they are strong in their religions, but they don’t live that way.  Some will hold themselves over everyone else that does not believe the same as them.  Some won’t actively help those in need despite their religion deeming that to be something that everyone should do.  There are also those who are sheer fanatics who bring a bad name upon their own religions.

So, with all that being said, what do I believe?  I believe that there is something out there, and I haven’t seen or found it yet.  My analytical mind has always had more belief in things that can be proven; things that are tangible.  I’ve always believed that there is nothing in existence that could be infallible; nothing in existence could be omniscient and/or omnipotent.  But, am I wrong?  I don’t know, and that does bother me at times as I get older.  I can’t say why I’ve begun to question my mind about faith.  I can’t explain why I’ve lived my life without having any faith in anything that wasn’t tangible.  When I think of it, I can’t even give you a reason for any of that.

I’ve begun to read the Bible again, starting with Genesis.  I have to say that it is tough reading, but I’ve made my through it and have begun Exodus.  Is there anything that I’ve read that has really moved me?

Messages of forgiveness.  Messages of not holding a grudge and of patience.

Have I understood everything that is in that first book?  I don’t know, but that’s not going to stop me from continuing on.

I’ll end this here so that I do not continue to ramble on.  I’m perfectly capable of doing that.

I will say that this is a bit of a test for me to put this out there.  I’m actually nervous about hitting that submit button.  Here I go!

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