It’s all locked up

I feel like I’ve gone through my life keeping my emotions bottled up inside, and that’s a damn hard habit to break. It’s something that I realize more and more with the passing of time, and it’s something that I know needs to change.

We all do it to some extent. We keep things inside of our heads and hearts. It’s probably natural to do that; something that we can’t help but do. Is it mentally or emotionally good for us? I can’t help but think that it’s not because we will end up dwelling on those things and then, after awhile, they will threaten to overwhelm us. They will overwhelm us.

It’s something that I’ve gone through every few years or so. I’ve kept feelings, worries, and stresses inside and to myself to a point where I just want to curl up into a ball and hide from the world. I’ve kept things to myself that I haven’t wanted to burden anyone else with and it didn’t even matter wether it was something big or small in importance. They were problems for me and me alone to deal with.

It would all come to a head and then erupt into a fit of sobbing while laying in bed; feeling morose and depressed. It becomes a feeling of worthlessness and despair because I haven’t been able to keep up with things and haven’t been able to fix what needed to be fixed. I’ve felt lost because I didn’t know what direction I needed to be going. It’s a horrible feeling but luckily it was always a feeling that would ebb and go away after a short while. I’m a lot more resilient than I give myself credit for, or I just go back to the same old routine of bottling things up.

I’ve been watching The Ranch lately, and I have to say that I end up drawing a lot of comparisons to myself and my life. It’s an excellent show and I encourage everyone to watch it if you happen to have Netflix. There are lessons there that should be learned by everyone.

Asking someone for help has always been something that’s been hard for me to do, much like Mr Bennett. It’s a certain stubbornness about wanting to do things on my own; proving that I am capable of doing it. There are things that I will ask for help with in a heartbeat because I feel that it’s something that I may mess up if I try to do it on my own. Then there are other things that I will refuse to ask for help with because it’s my responsibility to take care of it. It’s not something that someone else needs to have anything to do with.

I watch the relationship between father and sons and see both my father and myself and my son. Dad was never a really hard man but he has never really been very expressive of his feelings. I’ve always known that he bears a strong love for his family, but it’s something that you may never see unless you’re looking for it in his actions. I catch myself doing the same thing with my son but I’m trying hard to do better. I try to tell him that I love him at least once a day. Sometimes that doesn’t feel like enough.

I worry that I’m not doing right by my son; that I’m not raising him to become a good man. I worry that the mistakes that I’ve made as a father will end up being a problem later on in his life; that I’ve been too easy on him about some things and that I haven’t taught him what he needs to know to survive in this world. It’s something that I’ve been trying to remedy lately, but is it too little too late? I don’t think that it is, but it will be something that I worry about.

I find myself in a situation where I’ve come to care for a lady in my life and then I have a hard time expressing that. She’ll read this later on, I’m sure, and I’ll guess that she has an inkling of how I feel, but why is it that I can’t just come out and say it? Why is that something that is so hard for me to do?

Why can’t I verbally express that her calling me in the morning on her way to work is one of the highlights of my day? Why can’t I say that she makes me smile and welcome the morning hours when I hear her voice? Mornings have never been my favorite time of day but she has changed that for me. I find myself looking forward to that call and rushing to get my breakfast eaten and my coffee imbibed. Well, there it is. I suppose that I’m telling you in my own way. I’ve always been better at expressing myself using the written word than the spoken one.

I don’t consider myself to be a hard man though I have it in me if it’s ever required. I’m just a man that has so many emotions swirling around inside of him that he doesn’t always know what to do with them. I feel like it’s all coming to a head again and is threatening to overwhelm me and my break from work next week just can’t come soon enough.

This is a post that I never would have written a few short years ago let alone shared. I suppose that I am getting better about some things.

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