It’s been a rough few days. Honestly, it’s been a rough few weeks. I feel as if I’ve been stuck in the mud on an uphill slope and I’m only slipping backward.
I’m hurting and I’m lonely.
Do you know how hard it is to admit that? It’s not easy, that’s for sure.
What’s the reason why? Why have I been seemingly doing so well and then, all of a sudden, I end up stagnant and even going backwards? My thoughts. That’s the only reason that I can think of.
What can a man, a father, do when he has no one to turn to outside of family when he’s at a point that everything seems too big to bear? Things seem like they are too heavy of a burden for me to handle right now, but handle them I will. In my own way.
My thoughts are jumbled. My emotions are all mixed up and quite honestly raging. Perhaps that is not the best descriptive word that I could use for that but it will suffice for now. I can’t control them as well I once have. Well, that’s only partly true. I’m holding everything in while I’m at work, but even that hasn’t worked as well as I am accustomed to.
My grandmother passed away on Thursday. My backwards slide had already been in progress, but now the feeling of loneliness is even more pronounced. I feel like I need someone to lean on; someone to cry with (that isn’t my son or my family). I’m not sure why I feel that way, but I do. It’s making things difficult in my own head, and that, in turn, makes everything else that much harder.
I loved my grandmother. She was the only grandmother that I ever knew. I didn’t spend nearly enough time with her. There was always an excuse to not visit. Work, housework, being a parent. Etcetera, etcetera, etcetera. That’s all that is, however. Excuses. I should damn well have made time, but I didn’t. I regret that. I said that I needed to fix that, but I didn’t. I regret that. I’ve been beating myself up over this for the past couple of days because it’s the only way that I can deal with it. It’s not the best way, no, but it’s currently my way.
The viewing is today and the funeral is tomorrow. I’m not sure how well that I will handle this. I know that I didn’t do so well with that when my grandfather passed away seventeen years ago. I’m sure that I’ll be pretty much a wreck later on. Or numb. Absolutely numb. I’ll admit that I don’t want to go. I want to remember her as she was, not as she is.
She was always nice to everyone. She was always strong in her faith. She was someone that I think I could have talked to about anything if I were someone that would talk to anyone about anything.
We all knew that this was coming, but knowing doesn’t make the loss any easier to bear.
So, I’ll be stuck in my head for a few more days and then probably a little longer than that. It’s a roadblock in this path of life that I am currently slogging through.
I didn’t even mention that medical bill that I have for my son (not serious, don’t worry) or the future bill that I know will be on the way in the coming month or so.
The stress is there, and I will feel it strongly. The sadness is there, and it will threaten to overwhelm me. The anger is there, and it is pointed at myself.
But… I will survive. I will fight through this. I will do everything that I can to get my mind back into the spot that it needs to be.
I’ve rambled enough this morning. It’s difficult to even organize my thoughts to make this post seem like it’s written with some kind of order to it. Work beckons as it is.