The difference a year makes

One year ago today my life changed.  I went from what I thought was a happy married life to one that was quickly a mess.  There was nothing easy about it.  Everything changed, and I honestly had very little idea what I was going to do.

Here I am now, one year later, and I find myself thinking back to that time.  The months following my sudden marital status change were difficult.  I felt lost most days, and the pain was real.  Even the day to day things were a struggle and at times I felt as if I had nobody to turn to; nobody to talk to.  Yes, I could have always turned to my family.  I could have always spoken with them, but I’ve never been one to be that open with anyone.  My thoughts were where I spent most of my time.

I was there for my son.  That was never going to change.  I made him a promise that I would always be there for him, and I was damned sure that I was going to keep that promise.  There was no possible way that I would break it.  However, there came a time that I realized that being stuck in my own head was preventing me from actually being able to keep my promise.  I may have been distant.  I may have been short with him.  I may not have done the things that I really needed to do, and that was something that I needed to change.

And so I did.  It wasn’t easy, and it still isn’t easy.  I find that there are times when I still get stuck in my head or neglect to do the things that I need to be doing.  There are times that I still feel like I am failing at my job of being the father that my son needs.  I’m working on it.  It’s not easy, but who said that being a parent was easy?

It’s been one year since my wife left myself and my son.  I don’t blame her for doing that.  I don’t begrudge her.  I’m not mad at her.  In fact, I believe that it is something that both of us may have needed.  I forgave her for leaving me, and that helped me immensely.  I hope that it helped her as much as it did me, and I hope that her life is good from here on out.

I do want to say something else.  I want to thank a couple of very good friends for being there when I needed someone most.  My best friend (you know who you are) who was always available for me to talk to.  You’re like a little sister to me, and I am so very grateful that you entered my life.  You may be an absolute jerk at times, but that’s okay.  I’ll still claim you.  Thank you.  And then you have one of my newer friends who has actually been a customer of mine for many years and is now one of my neighbors.  Thank you for all of the help that you’ve given me and all of the help that I’m certain will happen in the years to come.

I also don’t want to forget about you idiots that I’ve played games with with the last several years now.  You guys helped out as well just by being available to get my mind off of things.  I know that I’ve been absent from time to time and don’t play with you guys nearly as much as I used to, but you guys have still helped.  From the sometimes cranky old Veteran in California to the goofy Veterinarian just down the road a bit.  You guys kick ass, and if there’s ever anything that I can do for you, then all you need to do is ask.

I’m not the same person that I once was.  I’ve changed over the past year, but I am still me.  There are things about myself that I think that I would still like to change, but there are other things that I believe that I need to return to.  I can’t just drastically change things like I’ve been trying to do.  All that is doing is causing me stress, and that’s something that I really just need to avoid.  

Typing all of this out has helped, which is being done at my spiffy and simple new computer desk.  Oh, and I have to add that I absolutely love this pseudo-mechanical keyboard that I’m using.  The key presses are absolutely wonderful, and the sound of those key presses is amazing.  I’m in love, I think.  

It’s love at first type

Building my desk was fun.  It was also aggravating.  In addition to that, it was invigorating and it brought about a feeling of satisfaction.  Maybe I’ll do a post about building this thing.  I do still need to pick out some window dressings for my new office/guest room, but that’s for another time.  That also requires more money!

With all of that being said, let’s start this “new year” off by taking my son to go and test for his orange belt in Karate.  This kid is amazing, and I really need to be amazing for him.

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