The worst expectations are the ones that I set for myself. It is something that I did not realize until today, and it opened my eyes to how I have acted with certain things throughout the years.
I have never truly blamed my parents for how my life has turned out. Truth be told, I do not have any real complaints about it, however, there are things that I do now that I know that I can do better. It is likely something that can traced back to how I viewed things as a child.
Education has always been important to my family. In fact, my mother would always expect her kids to get straight A’s in school. We were half Korean after all. It was something that I always should have been able to do, and I did that throughout nearly all of elementary school.
I took an IQ test in 4th grade, and I think that is where my problems began. I remember the person who was administering the test being surprised that I knew the definition of “mutiny.” It was not something that I ever really thought about. I mean, I was nine years old. I look back now and wonder what kid that age knows what a mutiny is. Anyway, I scored a 144 on that particular IQ test. The only reason that I know that is because my mother has never let me forget it.
Expectations said that I must get straight A’s on every report card. I must exceed those lofty expectations and perform better than each and every one of my peers.
That became harder as I progressed into and through middle school. It was not because I could not do it. It was because I did not want to. The same thing applies to my high school years where I ended up graduating with a 3.67 GPA after attending Governor’s School and taking whatever college bound and advanced placement classes that I could. I just didn’t really care, so I skated through school. I did my homework, but that was done hurriedly on the bus to Governor’s School. Studying was something that I never did.
My expectations are low now. I do not personally set high expectations for myself. Why is that? I know that I am perfectly capable of doing certain things in my life, yet I set the bar low and I do not strive to do better than that.
I may have the answer after some introspection today.
I do not like to fail. I do not want to set a goal for myself that seems so much higher than I personally expect myself to reach. In hindsight this has killed so many different projects that it may actually be ridiculous.
Why do I feel that way?
I believe that answer may lie in the fact that much higher expectations were pushed upon me at an early age and not achieving those made me think so much less of myself. That builds up over time. Lacking proper self-confidence can seriously hinder one’s ability to meet even small goals.
I am rambling again, and I should really stop that. In fact, I feel as if I have not even stayed on the subject of expectations that I originally began with.