There are many words that I read and use every day. I could not really tell you how many, but between even short social media posts and everyday interactions with customers I imagine that the number ends up being rather large. There is one word, however, that is present in my vocabulary but gets little use. Love.
It is almost an odd situation if I am going to be perfectly honest. Despite the fact that there are those that think that I hate everything and everyone, I have more love in my spirit than may be good for me. My heart is practically bursting with it, however there are very few outlets that it is allowed it to have.
I realize that I have let my walls build themselves back up after having my emotions shattered more than eighteen months ago. Time heals all wounds, does it not?
No, that is not always the best way to traverse this journey that we call life. Not for everyone at least. Some of you lean on your love and allow it to strengthen you. Some of you may embrace it with all of your heart and soul and allow it to define you. Some may even spurn it and live comfortably in the darkness that results. There is nothing wrong with any approach to love. It all depends on you.
Love is precious to me. I do not use the word very often at all; twice a day to be exact. It is a word that I reserve for my family. I do not even tell my best friend that I love her, but I know that she knows. It will never be a word that I will be capable of using on a regular basis. Do not get me wrong. I do not feel that constant usage of the word cheapens it. It is merely something that I have to be comfortable sharing, and that will often not be the case.
If I tell someone that I love them, then you can be damn sure that it is said in complete truth. It is not a word that I would use if I did not feel it, and so it is not a word that I use very often. That may sound cold, and perhaps it is, but it is my truth.
Those of you who visit me when I am streaming on Twitch? I assure you that I really do appreciate your company. What can I say? I like you guys and gals. I may not express those feelings the same as others, but they are there. Those feelings are just buried so deep that they have a hard time digging there way to the surface.
To the streamers that love their communities and express that on a regular basis? I applaud you for doing that. I applaud you for being able to do that, and I wish that one day I may be able to do the same.
I turned forty years old this year. Do you know how many relationships that I have had; relationships in which I truly felt love for the woman that I was with? Three. That is it. I have always kept my emotions close to my chest, but they are always there.
Sometimes I question whether or not I will ever feel that way again.
I even have a hard time loving myself. My previous post may just shed some light on that one.
Again, I feel as I am rambling, and so I shall stop.
Until the next time my constant friends.