I want to share some thoughts and pictures. Bear with me for a moment.
Sometimes we think that we know things. We feel like we have it all figured out. We feel like we’re on top of the world. We’re absolutely killing it, and everybody sees that. They cheer us on. They are in our corner! But.
But not everyone knows the full story behind someone else, and trust me when I say that there is way more to someone’s story than just their outward appearance.
That’s the case in my particular situation. I try so hard to put a mask on for work that has me projecting a much different mindset than I would normally carry. I do the same thing while I’m streaming on Twitch. I just don’t want people to know who I really am I suppose. It’s the train of thought that nobody needs to have to deal with the shit that is going on in my head.
Look, I have a good life. My business is thriving, my son is doing okay in school (he could be doing better…), and my house is mostly in order. I have few friends, but those are the friends that I cherish. I don’t want for much at all.
If you had a glimpse into my daily thoughts, however, you would see someone completely different. I have never been a confident person. I have never been someone who believes the compliments that he has received.
My day of work yesterday was lonely. My drive home was lonely last night. My time spent with both my son and my dog were lonely. That loneliness even crept in, to a small point, while I was streaming last night. It’s something that I have felt coming back and growing over the last couple of months. It’s not an easy thing to fight. Streaming has helped which may sound weird. It keeps the loneliness from feeling absolutely crushing.
Having full physical custody of my son helps. Jake always following me around helps. The problem is that sometimes even their presence makes things worse. It’s that adult companionship that I miss and not having that is a weight upon my thoughts. I am certain that I can make it in this world on my own, but I don’t want to. I want to share my life with someone. I just don’t believe that is something that is going to happen.
These two guys are my world, and they make everything worth it. There is just something, or someone, missing.