Hopes and Dreams

I am in a spot right now. I don’t know if I can really convey just what kind of spot that is, but I will do my best. Text works for me much better than the spoken word at times, but even that can fail me.

There was a time when I had hopes and dreams. There were things that I wanted to do. There was a way that I hoped my life would go. Those things never materialized or were left on the metaphorical side of the road. They were left behind I had my reasons for doing that or so I have told myself time and time again. It’s a defeatist attitude that I don’t normally carry. At least I don’t carry it with one percent of my life. I still believe that anything is possible.

And yet I sit here and wonder just how I can make things work out how I would like them to. There is very, very little that I desire.

You see, my own personal hopes and dreams have been fully set aside in favor of those for my son. If you are a parent then you have some sort of idea what I mean.

For as long as I can remember I have done for others instead of myself. That even applies to my time streaming on Twitch. At the end of the day, it’s so that I can give my son the best life that I can. It’s that second job. It’s the second income to help make life a little easier. Perhaps that truly is helping myself to help him, but that is a different topic altogether.

I want him to succeed. I hope that does the best that he can. I dream that he will turn into a much better man than me. I wish for him to find happiness if whatever it is that he does. I pray that he finds a partner that supports him and that he would support his partner equally. And so I neglect my own wishes, hopes, and dreams in favor of the ones that I have for him.

That is part of what has put me in this spot. Reaizing, again, that I don’t truly do anything for myself; realizing that everything I do for myself is essentially doing something for him. It both saddens and fills up my heart all at the same time.

There are other reasons as well: loneliness, stress, exhaustion. You name it and it’s probably floating through my head. Those thoughts stay there and I run through them over and over again. I beat myself up over silly things which I know that I shouldn’t do.

My best friend asked me to attend a funeral with her for a family member. I felt horrible that I had to say that I coolant be there. I wanted to, but my responsibilities to both my business and my son prevented that from happening. I want to be there for my family when they need me and make no mistake about. She is family.

You guys that support me? I don’t deserve you. I’ll never believe that I do. Thank you so much for hanging out and interacting with me. I am definitely not a social person so getting out there and making friends is a daunting task. It scares the shit out of me, to be honest.

What else? I know that there was something else.

Fuck, I’m rambling at this point and have mostly forgotten what I wanted to write about. Will I reach out? No, I won’t. I rarely ever reach out when there is something that I may need help with. Hell, I don’t think that I even need outside help most of the time.

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