Last week I was seriously thinking about hanging it all up. I was on the verge of disabling both my Twitter and Twitch accounts entirely and disappearing from any interaction on either platform. The dark hole that I had dug for myself wanted to swallow me whole. Obviously, that didn’t happen, but it was an option that was on the table. Well, it was really the only option that I was considering. It’s been kind of a rough year and a half since I became a single father. I’ve certainly had my ups and downs along the way. Some have been worse than others and last week was no exception.
I felt as though my progress and growth we’re nowhere near what I thought that they could be at. I felt.jealous of what my best friend had, and that ate me up. I absolutely hated feeling that jealousy and envy. That is not the person that I am. There was nothing that I had against her.
Anyway, I was feeling down about all of it, and the down was not a good feeling either.
You will hear me say self-derogatory things about myself at times. It probably happens too often, but I believe that I have done it so much that it has becom a part of who I am. I’m not sure that I would know what to do or say if I couldn’t insult myself. I beat myself up. It’s been a bit of armor ever since I began getting picked on in school I suppose.
Anyway (!), obviously I haven’t gotten rid of either platform. I am still there and more active on Twitter than I have ever been before. I feel a bit renewed and ready to tackle things head-on. I’m not even sure why.
I’m rambling. Look, I enjoy the hell out of streaming. I will fully admit that I do get discouraged when there isn’t anybody chatting because that is one of the things that I love about it. As I have mentioned before it’s something that surprises me since I don’t necessarily enjoying talking to people face to face. It’s kind of crazy.
I’ve enjoyed the interactions on both Twitter and Discord. I’m ”meeting” new people that I feel I could call friends even though I’ve had the hardest time considering online acquaintances as friends. This whole journey that I’ve been on since November of last year has been amazing and more than I will ever admit to deserving.
Now I have this opportunity to help some friends build a new community based on ideals that I wholly support and I’m stoked. I am invigorated. I’m excited, and if you truly know me then you know that I don’t get excited over much. This is kind of a big deal.
So, with all of that wordy wordy stuff above I am still around. I’m not going anywhere, and while I will have down days, I will work through them and keep on going. I’m not going to quit.
NerdForceGaming. It will be a force.